Tenure*

Honestly, who wouldn't remarry a man who'd wear trousers like these?



















My feathery top was a pale rejoinder.

The definite highlight of the trip was renewing our vows in the cheesy Little White Chapel of Vegas. It was sort of fitting too, as we'd originally got married in the Little Red Chapel in Pannal.

Not at all similar though. Oh no! I was expecting Vegas kitsch, but it was just Vegas tired and cheap. Worn-out carpet, dusty faded silk flowers, papier-mache cherubs, you get the picture. Very polyester bride. What was a little scary was that it was past 8 o'clock at night, we were, 'casually' attired, not a little drunk after waiting for our 'slot' at the bar next door, and we had a bored and hungry two-year old running around, yet were asked repeatedly if this was a renewal or an actual wedding.

I think the Little White Chapel should have a web-cam, because clearly, they see it all.























Leave it to LK to bring the class though. He managed to go down on one knee in his too-tight, borrowed Vegas-casino-carpet trousers, and he re-proposed and produced a Tiffany ring.

What a keeper.

Then we went back to the Mirage and tore it up K style by drinking three bottles of champagne and doing fat lines of coke.

Or we may have just drunk champagne, had take-out from the Carnegie deli (see below) and watched Blades of Glory. You be the judge.












Oh you Americans.....why you're not all ridiculously overweight is just beyond me.























Definite thanks go to Red Fox and to Cindy for our fantastic anniversary present. I'm glad we have photographic evidence that the booze came with chocolate-covered strawberries, because frankly, neither LK or I remember eating a single one. Hmm.









































5lbs of chocolate-covered strawberries can seriously affect the waistline, as our little Paris Hilton discovered to her horror the next morning.........



























That's all for now. Next installment - When Good Vacations Go Bad.

* I shamelessly ripped off the title of the post from Mrs. Skeletor, who, if she has a problem with that, can get her own damn blog.

Which, is rather unlikely, as she can't operate comments.

Thank goodness.

The Surfer and the Intellectual. Who Knew?

Yes, somebody did once say that to me, and no, I was not quick-witted enough to reply I'm really not that much of a surfer.

We are off to Vegas this afternoon, to celebrate this:














Ten years ago tomorrow, I was officially off the market, leading to headlines such as these.......
















It was 'The Week The World Mourned', perfect timing for a wedding really.

More when we return, but in the meantime, here's a picture of the groom with a chicken. A photo that proves (Pierre) that it's the informal wedding photos that usually sum up a wedding best.

Were You Born On The Sun?

It's hot; muggy and hot.

The nice thing about Santa Barbara is that there's only a couple of days a year when you need air conditioning and a couple of days a year when you need central heating. The unfortunate thing about Santa Barbara is that because of this, most houses have neither.

I feel molten. I am fantasizing about thunder and lightning, about the clean smell of rain, and the swishing of car tires on wet roads. Instead I'm surrounded by white heat, glare and stultifying air. I feel like I'm cooking from the inside.

At least our present house has a lovely cave-like living room, unlike our previous apartment which would get so hot that candles would melt. Unfortunately the computer is upstairs, so sorry, I was going to write a post about my upcoming 10th Wedding Anniversary *yikes*, but urgh, the heat.

It's like living in one of LK's tennis socks.

Instead I think I might just have a nice cold shower and go and stand in front of a fan, so in lieu of a proper post here's what happens if you give a 7-year-old felt tip pens and sweets.......(markers and candy for you Yankee Doodles).......

























I think your buttyful too.

Well I Never

I PR'd - according to LK, which does not mean Puked whilst Running, it means Personal Record, which is the kind of thing an American would know and a Brit would not.

58mins 2 sec no less. Apparently dropping a sprog has made me faster - who knew? Maybe it's because my post-nursing boobs have caused my centre of gravity to shift 2 feet lower?

It's amazing how beating your previous best time by over a minute makes you consider the possibility of doing the race again next year, except faster.

Not bloody likely!!

Still, thanks to Chilly for these photos - I truly can't believe I'm smiling in all of them.....

If At First You Don't Succeed, Tri, Tri Again

Oh, how I slay myself.

The Santa Barbara Triathlon kicked my arse, as it does every year. I am thoroughly knackered and only writing this out of a perverse sense of duty to my three, maybe four readers.

I did run the entire run, although 'run' may be generous. So much for those eight minute miles I'd been practicing at the gym, geriatrics may have been able to shuffle at a faster clip. My cold was definitely a factor, but bizarrely the blisters? Never felt a thing. Either that's adrenalin for you, or my feet were still numb from the swim. Because DAMN that water was cold. Two days of slightly overcast weather and the ocean dropped 5º. It made the swim seem endless. I could only see out of the lower quarter of my right goggle, and the only time people weren't bumping in to me was when I peered out of my tiny plastic porthole to realize I was seriously off course. I was so knackered by the swim that I gave up on that leg way before I was technically out of the water. You're supposed to stop when your hand touches sand, I stopped way before that and waded in, as if my mind was saying 'bugger this for a game of soldiers, I don't care if I'm in chest-deep water I'm a better wader than swimmer'. Not true.

The bike went brilliantly, I flew. LK had tweaked my gears and brakes, and it was that or maybe the sheer joy of being out of the water that gave me wings. I passed about twenty people, all of whom promptly tore right past me on the run.

Bastards (you included Mooks).

The run was hard, but I carried Anna over the finish line as was my plan, and then promptly dry-heaved on the people handing out sponges.

Good times.

I can say with all honesty that I'll be more than happy to be a 5-time triathlete and leave it at that. Although, if Anna ever wants to do the mother-daughter race I'd be thrilled. Knowing her gene pool, she might just want to consider the father-daughter race though. LK placed 5th in his age group, coming 18th overall, in an open course (open to professional triathletes). My good friend Sooz sent me an e-mail recently regarding 'assortive mating', the idea being that organisms tend to mate with like organisms, ergo, said Sooz, LK and I must be equally fit. Which was a lovely thought, but fails to explain the FIFTEEN MINUTE discrepancy in our race times, a race where LK missed the trophies by one place and 18 seconds and I dry-heaved on my daughter.

I'll update with photos and times when I get them - and if I feel like being honest!

For The Record

Less than 24 hours to go, and I'd like to put a few things on the record before my own personal Charge of The Light Brigade begins - in case it just sounds like sour grapes tomorrow afternoon you understand..........

1. My poor ravaged feet.......






























I realise there are people right now hiking the Hinda Kush, or even the Pennine Way crying 'PANSY!' but are they about to douse their feet in festering salt water, grind it in the soft sand and then run sockless? I thought not. Both feet are already ripped to shreds, but somehow I think that'll be the least of my worries.

2. I have a cold, courtesy of our little toddler Typhoid Mary. Boo hoo poor me. Is being able to breathe really all that important whilst swimming/biking/running? I didn't think so.

3. I am on the rag, again. This will be my fifth tri, and I have yet to do one bloodless. WTF body? I know these things are cyclical, but I had a chuffing baby in the interim - why the slavish devotion to the old lunar calendar? The good news is, I think the shark attack risk will be lessened by the fifty billion other people all swimming and clawing their way round me.

Otherwise, I'm in good shape. LK and I are off to 'carb0-load' right now with a healthy serving of pasta. I'll leave you with this, I have two goals for tomorrow morning:

• Finish in under an hour - I have acheived this in 3 out of 4 triathlons, but to put this goal in perspective, I have never broken 59 minutes. See? Not smiling now are you.

• To run the entire run - I have acheived this in 1 (ONE!) out of 4 triathlons.

Why am I doing this?

Isn't Live Music Marvellous or No Shit Sherlock

Last night LK and I, and half a dozen assorted friends went to see The Beastie Boys at the Santa Barbara Bowl. That's one of the things to love about this tiny town, it's touristy prettiness can lure some pretty big names to come and play. We've even seen Oasis play our little beach-burg, but that was honestly a little peculiar. They opened for The Black Crows, or The Counting Crows, I can't remember (one of those fucking Crow Bands as LK would say). I'm sure Santa Barbara didn't quite know what'd hit it when Noel Gallagher stood up in front of a crowd of about 30o people who were drifting in with their Chardonnays waiting for the main act. I remembering him yelling about Manchester City and saying 'Fook, I'm standing 'ere grinnin' like fookin' Des Lynam up 'ere'.

Sound of crickets chirping.

Still, they were big for me. But that's my point, I'm a bit crap when it comes to music. NME means Nothing to ME. I was excited when A-ha came to the Harrogate Conference Centre. Well, who wouldn't be? Nothing that big had ever graced our provincial little town since the Liberal Democrat Party Conference. No major act has ever yelled "We love you Pannal!!" at a rock concert.

Interesting side note, the only time the Beastie Boys had invaded my consciousness growing up was when someone stole the VW sign from my Dad's Jetta circa 1987. *I'm that crap*.

If I disappeared whilst running and all they found of me was my Nano they would send out an all-points bulletin for a middle-aged hausfrau from Coventry. "Hmm, Travis, Wayne Newton and the Lightning Seeds - we're looking for a schizophrenic elderly white woman, dressed in head to toe hand-knit, Marks and Spencers knickers, possibly resides in a small village; harmless, definitely harmless".

So there I was, at the Beastie Boys, my enjoyment level somewhere between yelling "Beastie Boys in the Hizzouz" and "so this is what our tenants are listening to on their ghetto-blasters, and good grief is that actually a 'mosh pit', how novel".

Actually it was brilliant, and I'm bloody glad we decided not to take Anna (thanks Mooks!) because we were in the nosebleeds with 500 sweaty West Coast Chopper looky-likeys all smoking pot and generally having a jolly good time.

I turned to LK and said "Fuck, we're getting high just standing here" and he said "-er, high-er".

Mrs. Skeletor got a lot of ASS (Almost Star Sightings); she is convinced she sat next to Michael J. Fox, and tried to persuade us she saw Lance Armstrong, but quite frankly, what guy in Santa Barbara does not look like Lance Armstrong? Every bloke in this town is clean-cut, white and looks like they could do a triathlon at the drop of a hat. Plus you were wasted Mrs. S. But, if anyone wants to leap to her rescue, I am open to comments about the validity of her sightings.

*Wasted*

Generally though a very good crowd. Still lots of fake boobs and pretentious people waving around their i-phones, but unlike Pearl Jam, these fake tits were definitely made in Camarillo not Beverly Hills. That's as down-to-earth as Santa Barbara gets.

Next concert is this Tuesday, Stevie Wonder. Now he's already on my Nano, and not for 'I just called' either, thankyou very much.

She's A Bad'un That Lass

Here are some good reasons for using a live-body transcriptionist instead of phoning it in to a company in India:

"The patient has a significant history with Crystal Matthews".

"Patient used bee venom injections and broke out in hives"

"Patient needs to follow-up whenever you see feet"

Big Lump of Lard

One week to go 'til the triathlon and these are all recent excuses I've given for not exercising:

• I would lose a good street-parking spot.

• I've just eaten a bag of pretzels and half a pint of ice-cream.

• Anna might have a cold and they might not take her at the gym daycare.

• It's smoky and ashy outside and my health could be affected.

• Can't be arsed.

• I don't have $3 to park down at the beach, and I'm too knackered to walk.
  

• My wetsuit is wet.

• I have a wetsuit rash that looks like a giant hickey/love-bite and I don't want to make it worse.
  

• I have to watch six episodes of Weeds back-to-back.

• My cell-phone isn't charged and LK wouldn't know where I was.

• Anna OD'd on ibuprofen.

• Periods could attract sharks.
  

Update

Anna's fine. No reports of stomach ache nothing; although as my Dad said, she would hardly be reporting 'pain' would she, after eating fee ibuprofen?

So, yes, a close call, and with the Zaca fire too which is continuing to burn furiously, but in a different direction. We're out of harms way for the moment, but it's still snowing ash and casting a surreal pink-orange glow over Santa Barbara that's making it feel like a perpetual Hawaiian sunset. Mai Tai anyone?

After all that drama coupled with the continued volatility in the US sub-prime housing market, I'm sure you're as ready as I am for a bit of light relief........

Here we go, where're my Massholes at?

Zaca Wildfire - Or What It Feels Like When The Unimaginable Happens

I suppose I should add wildfires to the list of the wild, woolly and hairy things to be afraid of in this country. As it happens, the Zaca Fire was started by construction workers, but wildfires are a natural phenomenon in this part of the world and we have an 80,000 acre one right on our doorstep that is only 68% contained.















Last weekend it was snowing in Santa Barbara. Heavy flakes of ash were pouring out of the sky, swirling and dancing in a perfect imitation of a winter wonderland, except it's chuffing August and 80º. The fire is in the Los Padres National Forest, directly behind the ridge of mountains that frames Santa Barbara. The same ridge of mountains that effectively cut us off from the outside world. There's one road in to this town and one road out. Not very reassuring to think about when earlier this week there were mass e-mails and media bulletins about evacuations and packing your 'grab-and-go' box.

Fortunately the fire seems to have changed directions in the last couple of days and isn't posing a direct threat to SB right at this moment, although it's growth potential is listed as 'extreme'. Things change fast though. You don't have to live here long to hear stories of the 'Painted Cave Fire' that blazed a trail down from the mountains and even jumped the freeway into La Cumbre the flames were so intense. The Zaca Fire has yet to jump the Santa Ynez river, but then that's not as reassuring as it sounds considering the river is currently just a dried up bed of rocks and crispy dessicated scrub. Excellent.

As I'm writing this a fire engine is screaming past our window - don't they realise that Anna is napping?

I was finding it hard to write about this fire, about the idea of evacuating. Even with fire planes and helicopters buzzing overhead every few minutes, and losing our cell phone reception a few days ago, it wasn't sinking in. Honestly, it was still a little unreal to think of putting together passports and birth certificates, insurance policies and title deeds, just in case. Besides, if we were evacuated where would we go? Would we join the 200,000 people trying to go south on 2 lanes of the 101?

So there I was, basically thinking that these things only ever happen to other people, right? We have been told that the fire could feasibly pose a very real threat to Santa Barbara; to be ready, yet even as I started writing this yesterday, with the fire looming over my right shoulder I was still thinking it can't really happen, right?

But it can and it does.

As I walked out of the shower this morning I looked down to see Anna happily playing with an open bottle of ibuprofen. A Costco-sized bottle of pills and they were everywhere.

This is the sort of thing that never happens, except it does, all the time, and it happened to us this morning. The first thing that popped in to my head was our pediatrician saying 'age 2 is the age of accidental death by drowning and poisoning', but even as I was thinking that I also kept repeating, 'this isn't happening, this can't be happening'.

Anna said 'sowie Mummy'

I was trying so hard to keep calm. I got down on the floor and asked her if she'd eaten any and she said 'yes', I asked how many and she said 'fee'. In my mind I was still thinking this is not happening, she couldn't really have eaten any, how is this happening.

Then I freaked out.

I tried sticking my fingers down her throat to get her to throw up. It did not go well, she didn't throw up, I got bitten and she's looking at me with tears welling up in her eyes wondering why the hell I'm torturing her like this.

I have the number for poison control in my cell phone. I didn't call them. I thought they'd whisk her away in an ambulance, pump her stomach, put me in jail, plus I wasn't even sure she'd eaten any. If you ask her how many biscuits she wants she says 'fee', how many swings on the towel, 'fee'. Even if it was just 'fee' though, I kept envisioning her poor little liver and all those hospital facesheets I see at work after ibuprofen OD cases with 'multiple organ failure' and encephalopathy as the diagnosis.

In the end I called my friend who's a doctor, and without doubt the most level-headed person I know. I was crying so hard I could barely get the words out, I said 'emergency, ibuprofen' and 'Anna'.

She called poison control and conferenced us in, and Anna's fine. Of course she's fine, because these things never happen, right? She would have had to have eaten 12 to be in any serious danger. If I'd taken her to the ER they would have just monitored her, not pumped her stomach. I was told to make her eat and drink a lot and keep an eye on her.

So, yes, I've packed my fire 'grab and go' box, because lightning does strike twice.

Fit To Be Tired

I used to be fit.

Many, many years ago I was superbly, effortlessly fit. The type of fit you take for granted as a pre-pubescent girl.

It was that long ago.

We were an active family; I did swimming, ballet, judo (all of them reluctantly and without talent), and we would do marathon 'walks' in the Yorkshire Dales every Sunday fortified only by cheese and pickle sandwiches and the occasional lump of Kendal mint cake. It's good stuff, pure sugar, but still provided barely enough calories to help us face the drizzle and drag our muck-clad wellies round that final escarpment.

My Dad had a way of guiding a car key around an Ordinance Survey map that instilled fear and awe in my brother and I. He would prop the map up on the bonnet of our car, the drizzle-laden North-Easterly winds whipping it out from under him until he had it pinned with rocks. He would point at the 'suggested route' and instead would drag 'the magic key' towards a cluster of such tightly-packed contours that it looked like the skin of a chain-smoking 75-year-old Floridian. All I could usually see of my brother's face under his yashmak-like Peter Storm was the glint of panic in his eyes.

We both knew what was coming next.

'Now the map seems to suggest we go along this meadow here' he would say, passing the key tantalizingly close to a flat riverbed area, 'but I'm inclined to think that if we just cut up this road, and go along here', jabbing at the angry-looking contours while my brother and I look at him in growing alarm, 'here's where we might be able to cut across and make these two suggested five-mile walks in to something a little more interesting'. We knew that to mean a marathon 10 mile Man vs Wild survival challenge with the outside chance of a Cadbury's creme egg at a village shop or a shandy and lemonade at the Miner's Arms if we made it back to the car park. Both of us wondering why we weren't at home watching the Waltons along with the rest of humanity.

My Mum would be sitting in the car, shielded from the weather, listening to the Archers on the radio until the last possible moment.

We certainly ended up fit though.


I remember our first ever 'Double Games' at secondary school. We went for a cross-country run, up past the hockey pitch, further even than the athletics track, a piece of school turf so remote we called it the 'North Pole'. Past the 'bog fields' and then for good measure up a delightfully steep and deliberate hill. It was probably about 3 miles all told. I remember coming in in 2nd place and being genuinely puzzled at the tattered wrecks of humanity who collapsed into the changing rooms later that day. Ex-friends looking at me with pure hatred 'you could've waited with us ya cow.'

That was when I was fit.

Now I get it. Now when I run it feels like my lungs are going to burst through my nose in pursuit of oxygen. My legs feel like they weigh 100lbs each. Training has made it easier, but it's only 3 weeks to the race and I know that I will be no way near fit enough to do it without pain, let alone effortlessly. I would love to be able to do the race and enjoy it. I would love to have trained enough so that doing the race and having fun with it would be my reward. To be able to do the race like LK, and breeze through the disciplines.

My husband, the pre-pubescent teenage girl.

Careful What You Wish For....

'They' always say that you should blog as if the person you'd most hate to read your your stuff is devouring every word. Well, that's true for those who give a damn about what people think, - which as my Mum reads this, is pretty much me. Hi Mum!

There should also be a caveat which states, be careful, and terribly, terribly aware that if you bleat about not being able to do a race because the entry fee seems a little steep that someone might just call you on it, and use their connections to make that fee go away.

Thanks Chilly, it appears that in *ouch* only three weeks time I'll be doing the Santa Barbara Triathlon.

Thankyou, you're a real friend......

.....(sarcasm may be real or implied).

Anna Counting

Un
TWO!
Fee Four Fife
SIX
Seben
NINE
Ten
A lemon
Telf
FOURTEEN!!!!!
Eight Nine Ten

Not Quite 100%

LK knows how to cut to the chase. My Mum has an abdominal scar 'from my tummy button all the way down'. Everyone's been asking how she's doing these days, but LK, he asks the real questions:

LK - 'So, could you take a punch to the gut yet?'
Mum - 'Er, well no, not quite'.

Do Or Not Do There Is No Tri

I'm trying to decide whether to do the Santa Barbara triathlon, which is hmm, let me see, only a month away....and so far I've only managed to decide that I definitely need to decide something....soon.

I've already done the race four times, and trained for it five times (the fifth ended in point twelve of this list).

I signed LK up for it over the weekend, and I'm being persuaded by two erstwhile good friends to do it again.

We have an entire group of friends who train together and have Mai Tai's afterwards, we are the Mai Tris:






























My nickname is 'Wonder' - sadly not because I'm any good, but because I'm whiter than Wonder Bread.

I am proud to say that I've introduced the English concept of half-hearted sporting achievement coupled with heavy drinking to the health-conscious Calif-yawn-ians.

We are the Mai Tris and we kick arse!

Although, truth be told, it is proving a little difficult to get this band of merry men (emphasis on the merry) to actually sign up this year. One is claiming a GIANT gallstone, another bi-coastal training issues, and others, well, what exactly is my excuse?

To be honest, I've never really enjoyed the race. I've always enjoyed the training and post-training bar sessions, but the race itself, lukewarm at best. For a start, it begins at about 7am, which means you have to get your kit down there at 5:30am, which is total bollocks. Then you have to deal with the massive queue for the toilets while the entire racing contingent suffers pre-race diarrhea. Lovely. Plus, it's knackering, don't be deceived by the race stats. If you tell anyone about the sprint course, they will always ask about the individual disciplines, and when you say a 1/3 mile ocean swim, 6 mile bike, and a 2 mile run, people will always go 'huh, well, that's not too bad', except it is, honestly, unfathomably bad. Anyone can do this race, but unless you're in damn good shape, it's not easy to do it without it hurting. A lot.

Here are some photos of previous races. Do I look like I'm having fun?























Also, point number 2, it costs $100. That's a bloody expensive T-shirt

Mainly though, the reason I'm prevaricating is that I can't trust my body not to throw in the towel. I'm good at tests and exams, but anything physical and there is no amount of training that will guarantee I will not spack out and under-perform on the day. I am just not a natural athlete. I went to yoga last night with a good friend, and on more than one occasion I was waving the wrong limb at the instructor. OK, obviously that's just stupidity, but in all honesty I find it very hard to get my body to do what my mind thinks should be a breeze. Also, it was rather hard to keep a straight face when our yoga teacher (and imagine your quintessential nasal Californian here) saying 'now let's go in to dolphin prelude, dolphin pray-lood'. That and 'restorative pigeon' had me biting down on my bolster.

Come race day I always get a massive stitch on the final run, and on one truly tragic occasion a remarkably sprightly but still, 68-yr old man, asked me if I needed 'medical assistance'. Good times. That's what sucks, training for months, and then having a bad race because you were nervous beforehand and swallowed too much air and then had to run with a stomach like a barrage balloon.

Now my brother on the other hand is a complete natural athlete. He's just done the Great Knaresborough Bed Race - you've probably heard of it. No? Hmm, surprising. Well, it involves something akin to a bed, but in the same say that an American SAT test will say 'contraption is to bed as absinthe is to blank'. Exactly. He also did the Great North Run and managed to keep a nifty pace for the entire race 'only because I was worried some chav was gonna nick me trainers in some of the dodgy bits'. Every athlete needs an incentive.

Anyway, I'm looking for advice - should I do this or not? I had decided that tonight's ocean swim with the girls would be an acid test. If I felt good, and could swim the half mile no problem, then yes, I should consider the race. As it turns out I got halfway out to the buoy and I was already struggling. I wasn't feeling streamlined, there was a tonne of kelp in the water which kept freaking me out, and I felt like my wetsuit was twice the size as normal. Well, note to self, remember to zip up your chuffing wetsuit before embarking on a half mile swim. By the time I got out I looked like a whale with edema.

So, yes or no?

Did We Provide You With Exceptional Service?

You've got to love the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale. I dragged my arm-load of 'bargains' to the checkout and the following happened:


Nordstrom Sales Associate: 'Hi, was anyone helping you today?'

Me: 'Er, yes she was, oh and I think you should know that the lock in changing room 10 doesn't seem to be working, I got stuck in there'

N.S. Ass: 'Oh my God you poor thing. Did you get out?'

Me: 'No, no I didn't. You should probably call someone.'

Waving Not Drowning

Thankyou for all your hastily typed e-mails and comments, I didn't mean to alarm anyone. I'm fine really, stiff upper lip and all that. It's actually very easy to live in this town, I just manage to make it look hard.

That piece of asparagus though, whew, now that was challenging. Just be thankful I didn't take a photo, that's all I'm saying.

Lucky Number 13

I have just literally pulled a six inch long piece of asparagus out of my daughter's arse. How's your day going?

There are details to this story, but this isn't that kind of website. Yet. I will just say that yes, I am certain that it was vegetable not animal, although halfway through pulling it out I was justifiably thinking parasite.

We had some bad news yesterday, nothing major, just another hope thwarted, and it's left me feeling worn out and heavy, as if I'm walking around inside a lead overcoat. I'm getting tired of non-stop setbacks and disappointments; none of it major, certainly none of it worth anyone's attention or pity, it just feels like a thousand tiny paper-cuts to the soul. If I was a giant magic 8-ball right now I'd be reading 'outlook not so good'.

And, as if the asparagus incident wasn't enough I just washed and dried my three strands of baby-fine blonde hair, then picked up LK's brush instead of mine and managed to gloop on 3lbs of residual Longs Drugs Maximum Hold Gel. I look like Snape's evil twin sister.

AND our next door neighbour is playing some kind of all-base drum medley which has left me resorting to sticking play-doh in my ears, which I'll admit is probably not a good idea either for my ears or the play-doh.

On the other hand, my self-pity isn't so all-encompassing that I can't be genuinely happy for other people's good fortune. Take julia for example. Pregnant with twins, normal twins, and this is her 13th pregnancy. I have been reading her truly brilliant blog for a long time now, and if anyone deserved a good roll of the magic 8-ball it was her.

So there you have it. Can anyone say PMS?

Easy Does It

On our way to the beach this evening to go running:

Me: I just had a Coke so I might get a stitch

LK: I just had a Dr. Pepper so my legs'll probably fall off.

Happy Dependence Day

No, in answer to your oft-repeated question. We don't have the 4th of July in England.

We lost.

.....or, another fave at this time of year, 'yes of course we do, it comes right after the 3rd'.

Help Wanted

These are trying times chez blahblah. I'm hiring a new assistant, which is always wearying to the point of wanting to curl up in a ball and die. I'm beginning to think it'd be easier to clone myself rather than find someone halfway decent in this town for $20/hr.

Maybe I should re-read that Craigslist ad, perhaps I inadvertently wrote; '

'Wanted: Complete Muppet.
Go ahead and surprise me with
what you consider relevant
experience for this job'

Below are just a selection of suggestions I would have for my current applicants. I'm not making any of these up.

• Do not say you are 'currently working to make ends meet'

• Do not list under skills 'general tasks'

• Dear God please do not write that you enjoy watching movies and reading books.

• Do not say you possess the skills to make a great medical office assailant

• Do not write that your main responsibility at your current job is to 'rotate the candy to ensure maximum candy freshness'.

• Do not list your contact e-mail as anything along the lines of 'earthmuffingoddess@verizon.com' or 'luv2spank@aol.com'

• If you're going to list a contact phone number, you're probably going to want to either answer that phone with more than a perfunctory 'yeah', or make sure your answering message doesn't say 'hi, you've reached Madison, I'm probably too stoned to reach the phone so you're s.o.l dude'.

• If you're currently working as an equine masseuse/candy rotator/shelf-stacker at Vons, help me out with a cover letter that at least addresses what inspired you to think you could be my assailant.

I need a drink.

Music To My Ears

We took Anna to her first concert this weekend, we had thought that the open-air setting of the Santa Barbara Bowl would be a little more child-friendly, after all they allow you to bring in children under three for free.....

We couldn't have been more wrong.

The entire first half was John Williams conducting the Music Academy of the West. They played Shostakovich. Really, really quiet Shostakovich. You could hear a pin drop, and I'm not kidding when I say during a particularly delicate piece by the solo-violinist I actually saw a deer grazing in the scrub behind the stage. All you could hear was the plaintive song of the bow on the strings, and the toddler in my lap who kept saying 'OR-CHES-TRA!' very loudly and proudly in intervals of maybe ten seconds.

We were squashed in to the very middle of the audience and couldn't have left without causing major disruption so we were doing everything possible to quieten her down. She wasn't screaming, or behaving badly at all, she was just announcing things in a very clear toddler voice. Things that usually garner her much attention and praise, like ‘VIOLIN MUMMY’, or for example when I in desperation told her that we had to be very quiet, like a mouse she said 'A MOUSE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!'. If we tried to put our hands over her mouth she would say ‘NO, NO MUMMY, NO HANDS’, or if we put our fingers to our lips she would do a very eager ‘SHHH’ sound.

She started asking for a dummy (a pacifier) repeatedly;

A DUMMY! A DUMMY! A DUMMY!

LK had been in charge of the Anna bag, and there was no dummy. I may have suggested more than once that in future it would be great if there was always a dummy in Anna's bag. To which LK replied 'say it one more time Wrigs and I'll pull one out my ass'. Things were getting tense.

It was a chuffing nightmare. How were we to know? What were the chances you could hear a the sound of a cricket’s heartbeat at an open-air venue? I bolted as soon as humanly possible (with Anna clapping enthusiastically) and spent the rest of the show hanging out with the other ostracized parents in the refreshment area below.

I asked Anna the next morning if she’d enjoyed her first orchestral experience and she nodded sagely and said ‘SHHHHH!’.

Skool Rools

Anna recently started at a preschool, and I've been putting off writing this post in order not to tempt fate but, damn, I'm so gobsmacked at how well she's doing. By all accounts she is positively thriving and we have trouble dragging her away at the end of the day.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that she cheerily carries her little lunchbox in to school, gives me a kiss, waves and says 'bye-bye' then happily trots off. I had been dreading this, and for good reason too. When Anna was a paltry three months old I went back to work, because this country has THE most draconian maternity rules in the developed world *seethe*. I'd been a bit worried about the number of friends who'd cheered on my swelling belly and then said 'so, have you thought about childcare, what are your plans? You have plans right? Thoughts?'. Then in response to my blank stare they would give me that same reassuring smile you would give to the newly pregnant woman who’s put on thirty pounds in the first two months of pregnancy, that ‘oh God, you clearly have no idea how fucked you are’ smile. Now I get it, the true horror that is finding affordable, manageable, reliable childcare, oh, and safe too, but that really is an afterthought compared to the rest......

As it happens, a nanny-sharing situation literally fell in to our laps and worked pretty much brilliantly until the girls were two. However, (let me apologize while I reign in my train of thought and get back on track here) Anna was not always spectacular about being away from LK and I. Our first nanny labeled Anna a ‘fearful baby’ and promised us with the conviction of someone going through City College Child Development Classes that there was nothing to be done about this, that she would always fear change, new situations and well, life, basically. I’m known to be a bit of a worrier myself, so this seemed plausible, although it did rather go against our experience of a smiley, sunny baby who was more than happy to be handed to any random stranger in a restaurant/bar/crack-house. Nanny #1 would call and ask ‘what do you do if she’s crying uncontrollably’ and I would swallow back that wave of guilt and panic, look at the huge pile of work on my desk, the huge mortgage bills yet to be paid and answer as best I could ‘well, it hasn’t really come up with us, but maybe you could cuddle her?’. I knew Anna was miserable with her, but I just had too much on my plate to re-organize an otherwise perfect childcare situation. I know, just writing that makes me cringe; perfect other than your child being desperately unhappy? Mother of the Year Award this way please. Things did get better, particularly with the advent of nanny #2, but Anna still had a tendency to freak out if she felt she was in a situation where people weren’t going to look after her properly. It didn’t fill me with confidence a couple of months ago when I pulled into the gym carpark and she started screaming ‘no, no Anna, Mummy ‘ome ‘ome’. I got about five minutes into that particular spin class before one of the gym childcare ladies knocked on the glass to say ‘your child, she is screaming’.

We knew early this year that our nanny-sharing situation would be ending and that we’d have to find a preschool for Anna. That’s where the horror began. What I didn’t realize was that there are two distinct group childcare options out there for toddlers;

Preschool – structured environments where the children learn and have fun. Usually ridiculously expensive and well-nigh impossible to get in to.

Daycare – a room filled with garage-sale toys, tired, screaming snot-filled tearaways and bored wardens/teachers only intervening when the biting draws blood. These still have waiting lists and only cost a little less.

On my first tour round a daycare I was thrilled to find it was run by nanny #1. Double trouble! I had to do the requisite tour, and smile through clenched teeth as she described Anna’s interaction with the other kids as ‘still a little reluctant’. I cried all the way home and vowed for the millionth time to leave this toxic town.

The second place I went to was the preschool she now goes to. So radically different an environment that after the tour I turned to LK and said ‘this is where she’s going’. We spent a year on the waiting list and finally only got in because LK ‘re-toured’ and the Argentine director clearly took a fancy to him. Maybe that ‘I heart the Falkland Islands’ t-shirt I wore first time round was a little ill-advised.

Anna now comes home from ‘school’ and when I ask her if she enjoyed her day she will nod sagely then say cryptic things like ‘paint’ or ‘shells’ or ‘singing in the boat’ (there is a boat in the garden where all her classmates sit for singing class). I know this could well be the honeymoon period of preschool, where the novelty outweighs the separation, but really, why should I find it surprising at all that she prefers a house and garden full of toys, toddlers and inspiration to time at home with me saying 'do you want to watch Blues Clues while Mummy plays on the computer?' Maybe not such a shocking transition after all.

All Creatures Great and Small

Most of the time we live a very sanitized domesticated life here in California. A life very different to the one I had imagined when coming out here. I'd heard about bears, sharks, mountain lions, coyotes, rattle snakes and black widows. I more or less expected them to greet me as I left the luggage carousel at LAX. Obviously I know now that those are the least of your worries in South Central LA.

Two days after LK and I met we went hiking up Jesusita Trail in the hills behind Santa Barbara. The sun was about to set and we were more or less the only people up there. We got to the top and took in the gorgeous views of the city below; the white-washed buildings with their red roofs, the ocean and islands stretching to the blue and gold horizon. LK cracked a couple of cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon (the signs were all there ladies, why didn't I run?), which promptly exploded from all the bumping up the trail. I immediately slurped what I could from the top of the can and LK said 'damn, you're my kind of woman'. *Sigh*. We paused, to take in the beauty of the moment and then he turned to me and said 'man, look at those lions'.

I must have literally gone 'wh-what?'. I do remember thinking, 'why aren't we running, should we run now? what about now?' I was just about to hurl myself off the ridge when he added 'we should have been surfing, not hiking'.

He was talking about lines of incoming waves, not lions. Lines not lions. The first of many, many verbal misunderstandings that have left him oblivious and me gathering fistfuls of sizeable rocks .

In the UK there is practically nothing in nature that can harm you. There is one poisonous snake, an adder, that I have personally never seen and my Mum and Dad have only seen once. Snakes are only active when it's sunny, thus making it even less likely to see a rare snake in the wilds of cloudy North Yorkshire. Other than that, nothing. The real James Herriot was knocked over by sheep, and I've heard tales of angry badgers, but that's about it. California has wilderness, and creatures with teeth and barbs and venom. We went to a party last week at an avocado ranch just outside Santa Barbara which is regularly frequented by bears. LK has seen mountain lions when fishing with his Dad. We used to have a black widow spider in the corner of our shower (think of that next time you reach for the Timotei). I also once trod on a potato bug when walking out of the bathroom of our 'studio' (converted garage) in Carpinteria. If I hadn't just been to the loo it could quite literally have scared the crap out of me, because have you seen one of these things?










Wow, that picture is about true to scale too. They are like ants on steroids. Urgh.

We've also come across snakes too, but they are fortunately few and far between.

Not so yesterday as it happens.

We got home from work, said goodbye to our nanny, shut the door and then five seconds later heard her scream, and then start banging on the door pleading 'fuck, shit,' bang bang bang 'God let me in, Jesus Fucking Christ'. We opened the door and she was laughing saying 'oh my God, there's the biggest fucking snake out there'. True, a two-foot long snake, was lying right across our path. Right here, where less than a week ago we took this picture of Anna on her first day at pre-school:















I know, cute picture, but there could have been a snake lurking in the shrubbery that very second!! And dear God those snakes can move fast. Not as fast as a nanny and a Mum holding a two-year old though. It sped straight towards us and we literally flew back in to the house. Anna thought it was hilarious, and now has a much-expanded vocabulary which I'm hoping she won't be using at her new pre-school.

God I hate snakes.

Dear C.

My best friend is leaving SB. The first friend I ever made here. The one who threw my baby shower and when I told her I was pregnant said 'you're lying, shut the fuck up, you would never tell me like this, over the phone, you're lying'. Her husband yelled 'I bet it's a girl'.

When she was pregnant we had to stop going out for cocktails, so instead we went to see every movie out in the cinemas, and in a town as pretentious and arty as this one we saw some pretty weird shit. Remember those 70-year-olds having sex? I can't seem to get that one out of my head. C. is awesome to go to the movies with. I think I will miss that the most. Mrs Skeletor is pretty damn good because she sneaks in a bottle of wine and always pours it during the quietest part of the film, but C. is the dogs bollocks because of her loud and wholly inappropriate laughter. Do you remember when the grandfather shot the son in Monsters Ball? I do, because C. was eight months pregnant and we screamed and laughed so hard I thought she'd deliver right there and then.

We have been through two children and three last names together. We were the undefeated champions of the Santa Barbara tennis league in 2000 (I'm not telling you what division). We used to play singles for hours in shorts and T-shirts dripping with sweat. I always knew not to mess with her when we'd turn up for an early match and she didn't have her eyebrows on yet. We regularly fought over the 'chalice' the mac daddy of all trophys. For the record, I still have the chalice, she never did win it back from me.

She will kill me for publishing any photo of her. She is already sweating bullets and scanning down this post having read that last sentence thinking, 'oh no you didn't'.

LK and I went to their wedding in Maui; we were two of only five people on that beach and it was gorgeous. I saw her son on the day he was born, he was the first newborn I'd ever held. Her husband called me from the OR to say it was a boy and that he was called 'Colin'; her insides were still on the operating table and she was still managing to mess with me. He's not called Colin, thank the Lord. She told me that if she had a girl she'd call her Brandy Star and I said I'd buy her a pole for her crib. I told her what my girls names were and she called me a stuck-up cow.

I have testified in court for her.

She was the only non-relative who stayed in the waiting room in the hospital for Anna to appear. She had to sit on a couch between LK's Mom and LK's Dad's girlfriend for hours. No friend should suffer that.

When I was 8-months pregnant with Anna I was walking through the make-up section in Macy's when it suddenly hit me that I might be having a girl and that I knew nothing, nothing about make-up, or the 'right' jeans or any of that stuff. The only thing that kept me from curling up in a little ball was the thought that if my daughter wanted to know about anything girly I'd always be able to refer her to C. God help Anna now.

It is hard living in a town where my husband grew up, where he knows everyone. It took me a long time to make some good solid friendships of my own, friends that will last the test of time. I know that C. is one of those friends and that's why I'm truly gutted, but also happy for her because I know she's got a better life ahead of her, and I know she'd better keep in touch because I have no idea what I'm doing out here without her.

I give it one hour before she phones me to tell me to take the photo down.

Just Be Nice

As I was saying, before being so rudely interrupted by my mother, the advice given to me for how to survive as American/British tourists in Paris had been 'just be nice'.

WTF thought I. Moi? Always nice. As it happens, so were the French. True, I did get my fair share of being shoved out the way if it came down to an available seat in a cafe during a rainstorm. Having a baby does not apparently mean you get any priority with seating; restaurants, the metro, anywhere. Maybe I'm just being provincial. The English are known for being almost absurdly gallant when it comes to giving up seats etc, walk on to a crowded bus in Harrogate holding a baby and the entire bus-load of passengers will spring to attention to offer you a seat. You could accuse me of stating the obvious though when I say that Paris is a tad different to North Yorkshire. It's a major metropolis (Geography degree coming in useful there), and I wonder how many people give up their seats on the tube in London these days; about as many as return eye-contact probably. On the whole though, people were really lovely, and this is despite me wandering the streets singing 'I don't understand the Parisians' a la Leslie Caron.

I suppose the trite moral is 'be nice and people will be nice to you'. You may be expecting them to rob you blind and spit in your coffee and they may be expecting you to demand ranch dressing on your salade and ketchup on your omelette aux fines herbes but if you have a stab at speaking French, they'll at least try to keep the sarcasm in check when saying 'ahh, you speak French, but you are English?!'

Plus as is usually the case when out and about in Europe, people were incredibly knowledgeable about all things political, asking beaucoup questions about the Presidential race, listing all the candidates and weighing their pros and cons while I just about knew that a new French President had been elected and that he was right-wing with a name with a z in it. Nice. Maybe I should read more than the 'magazine' section of the BBC website when I log on in the morning.

The Parisians we met were head-over-heels with Anna, and if we ever actually managed to squeeze her jogger in to one of those ridiculously tiny French cafes they were showering her with bread and cheese in minutes. Toddler - international credit-card you'll find, (to paraphrase Eddie Izzard).

Talking of credit cards. Another thing that made me feel like a club-wielding cave-dweller whilst in Europe was our American credit card. In the last few years the UK, and apparently France too have gone Euro-techno with their plastic and treat my BofA card like it should belong in a museum. Example:

Checker - "Hello dear. Oh and isn't she bonny? What's your name love?"

Anna - "Choclit?"

Me - "I'm sorry, it's an American card and it doesn't have a chip so you have to swipe it"

Checker - "Oh really, you'd think they'd be more advanced over there wouldn't you? I don't think the machine'll let me do that. I think I have to stick it in first, then it has to realize there's not a chip."

Checker - "Hmm, it says 'swipe card'"

Checker - "CHRISTINE! My lady here as an American card with no chip"

Christine - "Just swipe it Maureen"

Checker - "Oh yes, it'll let me do that now. Funny, you'd think the Americans would have done this first wouldn't you?"

Lance - stony-faced seething

Anna - "Choclit?"

Repeat said scene fifteen billion times every day.

I know we have debit cards and pin numbers in the States, but I'm not kidding, every card over there has a chip and a pin regardless of whether it's credit or debit. In France too. And in all restaurants the waiter brings this little hand-held credit-card jobby to your table and voila bill-paying is over. Even the shabbiest French bistro we went to had these things. I suppose it's less convenient in the US where you have to tip and it would be a tad awkward to punch in tip = $2.50 in front of Jaden/Braden/Hayden/Cayden your waiter who tried to do a good job whilst waiting for decent waves but really wasn't the dogs bollocks.

Thus in conclusion (I had to add that bit for Ms. T) I loved Paris. I loved the fact that every morning we'd walk out of our apartment, buy some pain chocolat and croissants and just walk in a random direction. Neither of us had ever been before, so we had to do the obvious touristy stuff, but instead of queuing for hours to go up the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe, LK has come up with a much better solution. Kick the thing. Have you seen the Eiffel Tower, yep, I've kicked it. Notre Dame? Gave it a good one-two. It's very satisfying and generally you don't have to pay. Lovely.

By the way the best diss of our holiday francais came from my brother, who else? We almost bought ourselves some Lacoste shirts because honestly, why not, we were on the Champs Elysees, it was sunny (briefly), and then we saw the price. The exchange rate is not kind to those of us with dollars these days. I could see Anna's preschool tuition in each carefully appliqued crocodile. Needless to say we gave it a miss, but mentioned to, lets just call him, 'Pierre' that we almost bought him a polo shirt. To which he replied 'oh, is that considered trendy in the States? It's a bit chavvy here to be honest'.

Just as well we didn't really. Anyway, for the record, here's a picture of LK kicking the Eiffel Tower:

Hard As Nails

Surgery was a success. Huge sigh of relief all round, and some serious drinking to be done...

She Hasn't Got The 'Guts' To Stay At Home

Dad called me at work yesterday to say that Mum's back in hospital.

I know he was finding it as hard to cope with as me because he said;
'Hi Ali, it's John'
'Hi John, you sound exactly like my Dad, only sadder and more strained'.

Apparently whatever it is that was wrong in the first place is back. 'Whatever it is' being a medical term I suppose, because it seems to be said a lot these days.

I imagine this answers the question of 'what would you do if you were over six thousand miles away and someone you loved was rushed to hospital.'

I am glad it first happened while we were back home, because now I know that I'd be pretty useless if I were to be there. Those horrid first days of my Mum being in so much pain and saying 'I'd like you all to leave now please'. The only thing I could constructively do was cook for my Dad, and after two meals I exhausted my culinary capabilities anyway. I made 'the salmon thing' and 'the chicken thing'.

She's back in the same ward, so it helps that I can visualize her there. I am toying with the idea of being useless and physically present though. She will get the results of more tests back today, and that'll help me decide.

Keep thinking good thoughts and sticking crystals in all available orifices, (orifi?) - Mrs. K.

Now this is how you garden....

One of the things I would have loved to have inherited from my Mum is her green thumb. I'm still hoping it's latent, but it's starting to look rather unlikely. Here are just a few photos of her garden, which she didn't even have chance to tend as she was putting her feet up in the hospital and not even babysitting...





















































OK, maybe not this photo.....








Every female on my Mum's side of the family is a magician in the garden, speaks fluent latin with respect to plant names, and has an obsession with garden shows, cuttings and compost verging on the obscene.

An example. During our stay my Aunty Jane and Uncle Phil drove over to visit. There was a phone call from the hospital to say Mum would be discharged at some point that afternoon, and there was a chance I might be at the hospital and unable to let my Aunty and Uncle in to the house after their long drive. Obviously you can't leave a huge great sign on the door saying 'dear Aunty Jane the key is under the mat', or as a friend of mine wrote 'if you're the gas man the key's by the milk bottles', but I was confident enough to know that if I wrote 'the key's by the Clematis Jackmanii' they'd be inside on their third pot of tea by the time I pulled up with the invalid.

And yes, I do know what a Clematis Jackmanii is (see purple flower below) the trait as I say, could be latent.























I'm starting to wonder if maybe this gene hasn't skipped a generation....

Back. Home?

We're back. Back to DSL. Hoorah to an internet connection that doesn't give up every time the phone rings. LK types with two fingers and you should trust me when I say he wasn't too happy to spend forty-five minutes morse-coding out a message to J. and Skeletor only to have it zapped by a phone call from someone concerned with my Mum's bowels. The poor boy had to have fifteen pints of Landlord at the Black Swan (aka The Mucky Duck) to recuperate.

Am I glad to be back? Hard to say. As usual I really ache with missing family and England. My heart and insides feel like they've been beaten with a mallet. Although it's true that that pain could be down to the two packets of pork scratchings, pickled onion monster munch and the huge bag of treacle toffee I had before going to bed. Who can say?

Most of the reason I'm not so keen on being back, and the reason why I'm blogging jet-lagged and mopey at 3am, is the huge amount of *stuff* we have to deal with now we're back. This trip was of such monumental length that it allowed me to put off thinking about a lot of crap until we got back.

On a positive note though, I am really glad to be back in a country that has toilet-seat protectors in public bathrooms. Uncannily happy.

As promised, here are some photos:-













Me trying to order three wheels of goat-bollock cheese in the fromagerie.
















Caught in the reflection in the shop window. This apparently is what I look like when I speak French.

Magnifique.


















Vite. Takez-vouz le picture. It's going to pleut any minute.
















The view from our not-too-shabby apartment.

Parlez-Vous Franglais?

Ah Paree, how you render me speechless. Literally.

I took French for years, years. From my first french class aged 11 when my Mum asked me what I'd learnt, 'something about apples' I replied loftily, to which she added 'that'll be je m'appelle then won't it', to AS-level french, taking business notes and being all poncey and reading Le Petit Prince. Who me - poncey? As soon as we got off the plane I realised that I was about as useful as a french poodle to LK and Anna. I could say 'j'ai quinze ans et j'habite en Harrogate', and 'regardes les jolies fleures', but that wasn't going to get me via some sort of public transport into the centre of Paris now was it? And how exactly do you say to the lady at the information desk that you'd forgotten to bring a car seat and was it legal to just hold a child in the back of the taxi? (it is, fortunately). LK was rolling his eyes at me going 'this would have been soo much easier if we'd gone to Barcelona because I not only profess to speak the language, I actually do....'. We made it though, and gradually my ear if not my voice came back. Bloody good job too, because the reason we were going to Paris was not just the £9 flights from Leeds Bradford.

£9, that's right, $18.

So ludicrous a fare it deserves it's own paragraph. Thankyou Jet2. No, LK has a friend who just happens to have a pad in Paris. In the Mayfair of Paris, looking out over Parc Monceau and the Arc de Triomphe. A pad that just happened to be empty. Sacre bleu!

We turned up and the concierge very kindly let us in, and handed us the sheaf of keys, and then proceeded in tres rapide French to explain the intricate use of the keys, and the buzzer system, and the elevateur anciente (a blog in itself) meanwhile I'm smiling like a nodding dog and my brain is grabbing every third word in ten and latching on to them like they're going to save me from drowning.

Concierge 'blah blah blah blah la porte blah blah blah ferme blah blah'

Me 'oo, I think he said door there. Yes I'm pretty sure of that one, door.'

Concierge 'blah blah, gesticulate wildly, blah blah absolument ferme'

Me 'crikey, this sounds like I should at least be taking some of this in. Why don't I just say 'lentement', come on, you know the word, just say it, 'lentement', it's easy, you know the word.'

Concierge 'blah blah il y'a beurre et du lait dans le frigo parce que.....blah blah'

Me - oh great, I know there's butter and milk in the fridge because today's a public holiday, but crap, what was that stuff about the keys. Ummm, 'repetez-vous' is that right, just say it you repressed English idiot. Say it!

Concierge 'alors, d'accord, a tout alors'

Me 'merci beaucoup monsieur' suddenly fluent when it no longer matters.


LK looks at me with a 'well sunshine?' you'd better not just have been merci-ing the poor man to death, and I give him a stern don't mess with me look and just to prove I know exactly what I've just appeared to be listening to, I tell him to look in the fridge for some milk and butter, a-ha, just you look Monsieur Americain! And here, while you're at it, you take the keys, I'm having a bath.

I don't think LK fell for the 'hmm this key does not appear to be working quite how the concierge explained it would' line later that day, but we did manage to get back in the apartment later. Thank the Lord. Photos this weekend I promise.

We had a wonderful time, lots of things to write about, and as usual no time.

I will leave you with a superb quote from my friend F. He's a frenchman married to my best friend S. I told him we'd be going to Paris, and did he have any advice? He said, tell them that you're fifteen years old and come from Harrogate, and be sure to comment on how jolies their fleurs are (no, not really). He actually said 'just be nice'. Just be nice, I thought. Huh, how strange. What he didn't say, and maybe I should have read between the lines, was 'be nice because they might not be.'

Please release me, let me go..

Mum is home! Tucked up in bed mostly but definitely on the mend. Thankyou everyone for all the lovely e-mails and thoughts. We can now fly to Paris tomorrow in a happier frame of mind and get throroughly drunk on Pernod in peace.

I have so much to blog about, and I have been jonesing to write, really missing the catharsis of this blog, which sort of surprised me. Obviously no chuffing babysitting in which to do it though - pull your finger out Mum!

We managed to meet up Brief Encounter-style at Leeds Station with the fabulous internationally famous Ms. T who gave me a letter she unearthed that was written by me three days after I met LK all those years ago; ramblings and musings about the culture shock of being in the States for the first time, things I've already forgotten about, and yes I do mention LK. I'll definitely be writing about that - undecided about how much censorship there needs to be.

Everything on this trip seems to be compounding the 'what if' factor - what if I'd never taken that brief trip to California in '96? What if I'd never gone to that party and met LK? What if I'd put up more of a fight and he'd moved here? I feel so aware of a life I could have had, a weird parallel existence that I catch ghost-like glimpses of here and there. It needs to be made absolutely clear that I do not for one minute regret LK or Anna, but damn it, I've lived in California for too long now to not think that I can have it all!!!

I already have photos galore to sort through when I get home (be warned.....). The evenings here are long and beautiful and I've been trying to capture it all.
The evening light doesn't disappear until well after nine, close to ten really. We've been walking across the fields, the hawthorn flowering in the hedgerows, meadows full of buttercups, cowslips and giant rambunctious lambs. Everything is
green on green and so soft and bucolic and beautiful, until a fighter jet screams overhead from RAF Linton, so close to the ground that you can see the pilot, the sound thundering across the countryside long after the plane has disappeared. A definite reminder that we are a country at war.

I commented to my Dad the other evening when we were stopped at a stile between fields 'when it stops raining this is the most beautiful country in the world' and he said 'ah but it doesn't though does it?'

Beryl the Tea Lady

First of all, whatever Mum and Dad are paying for their internet connection, they're being overcharged. It's allegedly broadband, but it's as temperamental as the British sun. Now you see it now you don't.

Mum is still making the most of her taxes by staying in hospital, with an as-yet undefined diagnosis. Apparently it's looking like it's not appendicitis, but they haven't exactly ruled that out either.

We try and smuggle Anna in to see her every so often, but bringing a toddler in to an adult ward is never a good idea, particularly one who likes to touch and taste everything in sight. My Mum loves seeing her, but is terrified at the thought of her catching some horrid hospital super-bug, so she makes us smuggle her back out as fast as she came in. We keep Mum entertained with photos of Anna and anecdotes, but it's so bloody unfair that this is precisely what we've been doing for the last year when we've been thousands of miles apart.











Happy Birthday Mum!









Obviously our plans for this trip have changed somewhat, but at least we're over here. I can't imagine how I would have felt if all this was going on and I was stuck in California. I may yet find out, as it's unclear if she'll be 'released' by the time we fly home. I asked my Dad what he would have told me if I was still in the States, and he said 'oh we probably wouldn't have said anything'. Reassuring. Mind you, that would be hard to do now that she's been in hospital nearly a week, and had to spend her 60th birthday there too.

With all of this going on you can't help but draw parallels between the British and American healthcare systems. My Mum is in a ward with five other beds, and a blast-from-the-past tea-lady called Beryl wearing support tights up to her knees that reveal a jaunty three inches of pallid knee before the hem of her uniform. My Mum has a bed by the window, and free radio, but pay-by-the-day TV and phone (so far ignored). She couldn't get a 'scan' ultrasound/CT or MRI for several days as it was a bank holiday and they were seeing emergencies only. Her test results were similarly held up.

So far her hospital experience is more akin to Tenko than Grey's Anatomy. There are absolutely no good-looking nurses/doctors/orderlies (is it just me, but does everyone in North Yorkshire look like they'd be much more comfortable knee-deep in sheep dip?), but she is developing quite a strong bond with her other inmates - one distinct advantage of the ward-system as opposed to the isolation of a private room. I can imagine them trading cigarettes for a TV-viewing card and devising elaborate escape-plans involving orderly Keith Olrenshaw and his laundry cart.

I can't help but wonder, given the preoccupation with money and insurance in the US whether they would have been as happy to let her sit and stew for so long without a diagnosis and a 'plan'. Who knows. It may well be that she has something that's not easy to pinpoint, something that will require a battery of tests to define. My uncle who's a GP seems to think so.

At least at the end of this, whatever the outcome, she won't be ruined financially on top of everything else.

In the meantime - can anyone find me a babysitter? I'm supposed to be on holiday. Who's the real victim here?

Short and Sweet

Hello Blighty. I could wax lyrical about what it's like to be home after so long, what it's like to feel like a foreigner in your own country, but I'll save all that.

We arrived Friday morning and on Saturday my Mum was admitted to hospital. She'd had a 'gyppy tummy' and we knew things were serious when she wasn't well enough to pick us up at the airport. Turns out she'd been trying to treat an 'upset stomach' with bio-yogurts, an approach that apparently does little for you if you have acute appendicitis.

I'll keep you posted.