And The Winner Is.......

No-one, although we did have a couple of 4 out of 5s (itsgrimupnorth and chilly/redfox combo). Better luck next time.

I'm publishing this now before somebody gets it right through sheer bloody-minded persistence (love you guys), and besides I need the Borders gift certificate for book club. I'm that cheap.

So, here you go.......close but no cigar.

1. I have had poetry published. TRUE
I wrote a poem once when I was bored at the end of a German test. I thought it was rubbish. It was rubbish. My friend V. secretly sent it in to the Yorkshire Post where they published it. That says a lot more about the loyalty of my friend V. than it does about the number of poetry submissions to the Yorkshire Post. Yes I do still have a clipping of the poem, and no I'm not going to reproduce it here because I can't remember anything other than the fact that it was about poppies *it's that awful* and the original newspaper clipping is over five thousand miles away in my parents house. Thank God.

Why no-one thought this was false is beyond me.

2. I am a natural blonde, no highlights nothing. TRUE
My hair was white until I was about 14, and now it's more of a yellow blonde, with the addition of wisps of grey courtesy of Anna's formative years and our mortgage-s. I've never done anything other than cut it, and only then about twice a year. I hate going to the hairdressers, which is a good job really as we can't afford it.

3. I break out in a rash drinking tequila. TRUE
It takes a lot of tequila to do this, but I do get a pinprick rash all over my face after about three margaritas which doesn't disappear for a couple of days. It has never stopped me drinking tequila to excess, although I often wish it would.

4. I briefly had a pet lamb, Willie. - FALSE
I can't believe no-one plumped for this one. Honestly people, just because I grew up in North Yorkshire, land of 'All Creatures Great and Small' does not mean that we all have pet sheep.

5. I hold grudges for years. TRUE
Definitely one of my least attractive personality traits, and one that's a constant battle for me. Was it Confucius, and I may be paraphrasing a tad here, who said holding a grudge is only hurtful to the holder? Well, whatever, it's true. I nurse grudges like nobody's business. Do you recall Mr. Darcy's famous line 'my good opinion, once lost, is lost forever?'. Amateur. Part-timer. Of course, if you call me on it, you're dead to me.

6. I have never shoplifted. TRUE
What the chuff everyone - why did you all, including my dear old bro think I was, in his words a 'tea leaf' (thief). This one cracked me up. I can't lie to save my life, I'm about the only 33 year old left that still blushes. I could never shoplift and get away with it. Maybe I should try. You only need to take a look at this list of 'quirky' facts about me to realise I might need to get out a bit more.

7. I have never had a filling. FALSE
I have truly truly awful crap teeth. Fortunately my mouth-o-metal is now all whitened out, but they're still fillings, just posher ones. It's not me I swear. I am convinced that one day they will discover that good dental hygiene is only half the battle and that there is some malicious bacteria that only attacks some people. There is simply no logic to the fact that I have financed my Dentist's porsche while my brother still has all his teeth.

I do love me some candy though. Mmm.

8. I got married at 23. TRUE
It seems bloody young now (I was four days away from being 24, but still whoop-de-doo, 24 isn't exactly a pensioner). I think marriage and emigrating seemed like a better idea than getting a job in The City. Ha bloody ha.

9. I have loudly farted on a first date. TRUE
I couldn't even say fart without blushing for the longest time, and this would have devastated me, except I was drunk. He was my first love, and looking back he probably just thought 'thank Christ this stuck up cow is finally starting to relax'. Oh how we laughed.

10. I can knit but I can't crochet. TRUE
The only thing I could possibly ever use a crochet hook for would be to get a pea out of a toddler's nose.

11. I have a green thumb. FALSE
My Mum did botany at University and can grow grapes and asparagus in the frozen tundra of North Yorkshire. I on the other hand.......



















and apparently I'm no great shakes as a photographer either.

12. I have never broken a bone. FALSE





As one of our docs said 'let me put it this way, even our medical records clerk could read this x-ray', or as my friend R. said to the rest of her medical practice upon pulling this up 'holy fucking shit - you gotta see this you guys'.

and yes, I think that is my boob on the left.







13. I have testified in court. TRUE
I was eight months pregnant. The defence attorney didn't even bother cross-examining me. Thank God otherwise I would have lost bladder control for sure. My friend won her case.

14. I was too scared to pump my own gas for years. TRUE
Obviously I'm not the most practically-minded person, but this was a real embarrassment to me for years. I can't believe everyone thought it was was true. You bastards.

15. I lost my virginity at 15. FALSE
Or rather, as my brother put it 'lost my virginity at 15 my arse.'
Actually it should read 'lost my viriginity at 15 by arse.'
No, that's not true either.

16. I graduated from Cambridge. TRUE
This is becoming more laughable by the year. I work in a doctor's office. A couple of years ago an English drug rep popped her head in my office and said 'I hear you went to Cambridge why do you work in a doctor's office?'. She went to Hull. It's a good question though, but ten years on I can say it was a smarter career decision than going to work for Arthur Anderson like the rest of my cohorts; although we are skint.

17. I have an assistant who is terrified of me. TRUE
Oh my God, terrified of me. It's almost laughable, except she really does shake when I correct her work. Being afraid of me is like being afraid of vanilla pudding (in so many ways), or so I thought, because when I told LK this he said 'really'. Not 'really? no fucking way how hilarious' just 'really / possible'. Maybe I should ease off on the coffee first thing.

18. I have been proposed to on a first date. TRUE
By LK. He made me a ring out of a Budweiser label. It fell off in the shower the next morning. We were both joking (he when he proposed, me when I accepted). Not so funny now though is it.

19. I have over 10lbs of candy in my office. TRUE
I would take a picture, but for once I'm not at work.

It is obscene how much candy gets consumed in a doctors waiting room. Blue and green Jolly Ranchers are always left in the bottom of the bowl, closely followed by Werthers. Riesens are unfeasibly popular considering that most of our patients lack both youth and tooth.

20. I inhale but I don't swallow. TRUE
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