Help Wanted

These are trying times chez blahblah. I'm hiring a new assistant, which is always wearying to the point of wanting to curl up in a ball and die. I'm beginning to think it'd be easier to clone myself rather than find someone halfway decent in this town for $20/hr.

Maybe I should re-read that Craigslist ad, perhaps I inadvertently wrote; '

'Wanted: Complete Muppet.
Go ahead and surprise me with
what you consider relevant
experience for this job'

Below are just a selection of suggestions I would have for my current applicants. I'm not making any of these up.

• Do not say you are 'currently working to make ends meet'

• Do not list under skills 'general tasks'

• Dear God please do not write that you enjoy watching movies and reading books.

• Do not say you possess the skills to make a great medical office assailant

• Do not write that your main responsibility at your current job is to 'rotate the candy to ensure maximum candy freshness'.

• Do not list your contact e-mail as anything along the lines of 'earthmuffingoddess@verizon.com' or 'luv2spank@aol.com'

• If you're going to list a contact phone number, you're probably going to want to either answer that phone with more than a perfunctory 'yeah', or make sure your answering message doesn't say 'hi, you've reached Madison, I'm probably too stoned to reach the phone so you're s.o.l dude'.

• If you're currently working as an equine masseuse/candy rotator/shelf-stacker at Vons, help me out with a cover letter that at least addresses what inspired you to think you could be my assailant.

I need a drink.