Dear Health Insurance

No, my daughter tripping and falling resulting in a small head contusion was not:

1) The result of a work accident:
a - and no, she is not self employed
b - and we do not intend to file a Workers Compensation claim

2) Due to the involvement of another party (possible parental negligence, yes)

3) We will not be describing how the 'accident' took place

4) The injury was not the result of an automobile accident

5) No police report was filed. (!)

6) We have not retained an attorney. (!!!)

7) She is THREE and will not be signing your form, well not in cursive anyway.

Just think how much money your company would save if you just did a bit of chuffing research before blindly sending out forms. This was the second form incidentally, the first one gently inquiring if she had any other form of coverage.

Bloody hell just pay the bill you muppets.

Their questionnaire reminded me of one of those Cosmo personality quizzes, where you were always aching for an f) none of the above choice, because instead your options went something like this:

Was your child:

a) Injured in a car accident (please can the other driver pay?)
b) Injured in her place of employment (please can they pay?)
c) Set upon by a gang of delinquents (please provide their names and applicable insurance details).
d) Injured as a result of a previously unreported pre-existing medical condition (please can you pay?)
d) Injured whilst pursuing a dangerous sporting activity (your policy will be canceled forthwith).
e) She's 3 and shouldn't run in Crocs.

Now, a form like this would have been much more appropriate:

Dear parents of valued client #5638975162345612:

1: Were you failing to pay proper attention at the time? Extra points if you were drunk.

2: Was the patient wearing inappropriate footwear?

3: Did you attempt to swab the wound with a baby wipe while trying to get the blood away from your fancy white sweatshirt?

4: Did you try and stop her crying by offering her chocolate?

5: Did you let your child with a head injury sleep for an hour in the car while you searched in vain for a hospital?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions your child will be appropriated by Blue Shield of California and made to work off her debt to society in the claims processing department.

Hey, everybody, let's get socialized medicine!

Please!